[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
This took me a second..
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
marvel comics have peaked
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?