Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*