I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Current mood: Potato
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Botany good plants lately?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind