perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
“our sushi is very fresh”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Human are so complicated
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.