NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
who did the taste test?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy