If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
“No way.” -Jose
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood