The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.