The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”