If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Wait a second…
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.