No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Good Morning.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™