Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
You Might Also Like
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake