I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
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Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.