hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
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If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.