From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
5 ways to appear taller
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.