My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Breaking news:
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*