Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!