Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight