my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
ok like just. call me at this point
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The Onion called it…again.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.