SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You Might Also Like
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.