I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
They got a point!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
be careful
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.