I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
this is me
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie