[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
These aliens are taking forever.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it