Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??