I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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Grow up never but we old may grow we
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position