Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
can I use a minion as a tampon
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I just love that new Pope smell.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”