[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.