I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.