“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
i spent way too long on this
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”