Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.