ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
idk what he going thru but i feel him
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.