I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.