My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras