Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
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People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.