If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
When you let grandma cat sit
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.