Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
You are what you delete.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.