If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
😂😂😂😂😂😂
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*