Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
catch me on valentine’s day like
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Damn what did I do next
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way