Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My wedding will be open casket.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.