A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Reporter: *ports again*
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I think this should do it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*