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when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad