When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.