I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.