The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar