Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.