I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?