I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Eat…
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.