If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
“Sheer Arrogance”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once