The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said