I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer