I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
britain’s three elite institutions
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?